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"Pillowtalk"

As of now, it's 5:16AM. I'm awake at odd hours. Nothing unusual for me. lol. People are waking up, and I'm falling asleep. But looking at how I am right now, I dont think i'll be sleeping anytime sooner.

So anyhow........ I wanna talk about how I feel all these while ever since the "historic" severe relapse I had.

Since then........ I've always been feeling extremely sad, excessively guilty for everything I did that hurt the people I care and mad, at myself and the universe. It got to the point I had an existential crisis. Like why am I still here?

I don't know how else to make myself feel better. Don't worry y'alls I've been seeing a counselor for about a year plus now, but here we are.... look at me... still beating myself up at some points. Being honest with you, I've been preaching about mental illness because that's how much I want the people that I love to understand and accept me for me with what I have. I never ask for it. It never was my fault and it never was anyone's fault that leads to that "historic" moment of my life last year. Yet, I was devastated. Still devastated. I miss me (and my parents' money that I spent on my meds when I could spend it on something else. My meds doesn't come very cheap. Worldwide problem), I miss my best friend, I miss to not have deal with any medications, appointments or any therapies. I'm exhausted. I really am. I've been missing my dosages. I'm tired seeing psychiatrists who kept saying "oh we shall see for the next 8 weeks". welp, 8 months later....... I am definitely getting "better". lol. I think my body is not responding to the current combination of medications anymore. I can smell new combinations of meds soon. sigh.

I remembered clearly SOME people told me this "you need to get back up by YOURSELF" . Honey boo, my counsellor told me this recently "I see you've been doing all those by yourself, trying to get yourself better but you're still at your lowest point, don't you think you need MORE SUPPORT by seeing a clinical psychologist?".. Eat that!!!!! 

To be where I am now, being brave talking about my illness openly is because who I am around with currently, and the ones I care so much (sometimes I wish I could knock their psychological defense mechanism wall down and bulldoze it to the ground yaknow. but let God do his timing. Gotta trust the process). God bless their soul for understanding me in goddess level (thats because they have it too). They've been looking out for me too. I'm forever grateful for that. yaknow.... deepest down, I still wish certain people would come to their senses and understand but that's alright. I understand their anger, frustration, emotionally affected and everything I did that hurt them because of my illness. That's why I'm still here, surviving, trying to get better, for them.

I've been a stubborn ass too. My counsellor has been trying to get me see a clinical psychologist, but I still won't budge, yet. lul. Maybe I'm just tooooooooooooo exhausted. Like........ why......... I'm tired. I'm in so much pain. Why can't it just end? If only you know how tiring it is to fight with your own self every single day, you'd breakdown. I am at the point where I'm too sad that I can't even feel my own emotions anymore. I tried to cry. but I can't. Nothing comes out. It's been months.

I just had to let this out from my system hoping for a miracle to happen. But that ain't happening anytime sooner either. lel. Feeling better? Not really. I'm still wishing to switch my brain off.

Till then,
Mizah R.

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