I posted this coming out post on my instagram out of frustration because no one seems to get it, on 18th March 2018. No Ragrets 😂
"In the light of what I’ve been through for the past 8 months, it really takes everything in me to open up about this but I’ve suffered enough and i’m sick of living in a society that is still stigmatized on mental illness, so I really have to do something about this. Yes, those are my pills that I am currently consuming. Opening up is just my initial step. I really dont care if I am going to be judged after this. That shows how ignorant you are as a person. It’s about time to see life in different perspective. In case you dont know, depression is a mood disorder. Here’s my story:
As of this month, it marks my 10th month battling my relapse, my 8th month battling my severe relapse and my 6th month being on medication. Exactly 6 months ago I was diagnosed with depressive episode, borderline personality disorder (BPD) - its a symptom of depression with fear of abandonment and complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) - well Tbh, I went through years of emotional and mental abuse but i shall not open up about that. Its been a rough (and exhausting) journey y’alls. The later illnesses I just found out. Lol! but i’ve always known I am suffering from depression for more than a decade now but I don’t have the guts to get help due to the stigma surrounding it.
Tbh, I haven’t had been able to feel genuinely happy regardless what have I achieved up until I got closer to my best friend (everyone knows who 😂). She made me feel appreciated, realize of how worthy I am, she bloody shit proud of me as a person and many more lah. I really love her genuine reactions towards everything I achieved. It’s so heartwarming. Like how typically best friends are, we both share alot of common things together. However, she can get so palui tho, thats why shes my idiotic best friend. To cut it short, I was realllyyyyyy happy being with her to the point that when I was slowly relapsing (this tend to happen people if u have mental illness), I was really in denial with my own feelings and emotions. I suppressed it. I forced myself to be happy when I was really unable to feel happy. The more I suppress it, the worst I’ve gotten, w/o me realizing it.
As someone who came from the field of psychology (a master degree holder some more 🤦🏻♀️), I find it quite ironic that I dont even understand with what i’m going through, feeling or thinking. Everything is just so messed up. Even if u ask me what I was thinking, I dont know how to verbalize it. My thoughts are racing that I dont even know what I am thinking. Its like a static. From there I realized that, whatever the textbook had depicted on depression is just on the surface. It’s never going to be the same if you experience it in real life i.e like what happened to me. With the mixture of my BPD and my C-PTSD, I relapsed into a severe depression. and that one very person who had to witness that, was my best friend, as she was still living with me that time. I still feel bad tho about it that she had to see that part of me. With my severe relapse, I became suicidal.
Let me make u understand that, with depression you don’t control your thoughts. Your thoughts who controlled you no matter how hard you’ve tried to combat it. It’s a medical condition for a reason. Yes people depression is a medical condition. With mine, it has something to do with my brain chemicals and other factors. What really caused it, i dont know. Back to my story, yes I was suicidal but it didnt get to the point that I really want to kill myself. I just want to end the pain not my life. With depression, it also comes with physical pain as a result of unexpressed emotional pain. I remember after my severe relapse, I always woke up crying because I was in so much pain and again, my best friend had to witness that. Shit. Gotta appreciate her strength man facing me and still sticking around during that time.
With me also battling with the pain, knowing that I will wake up to the pain, I grew scared of sleeping because I didnt want to feel the pain. To me, if i dont sleep i dont have to feel the pain. I developed sleeping problem. Mind you, it’s also affecting my studies in so many ways but i was lucky enough that I have supportive lecturers and supportive best friend during that point of time. During this time as well, I had enough affecting my best friend with my condition, so I decided to seek therapy. I started psychotherapy a.k.a counselling. Well..... it didnt help me as much. I guess I was THAT severe. When my best friend had to go back to Ipoh for good as she was done with her degree, it was really hard for me to cope. to the point that my depression got worst and I have decided to go for diagnosis (with her support) because I really cant bear with it anymore. Sooner or later, I have to face it.
Then there I was being clinically diagnosed with depressive episode and being prescribed with antidepressant; sertraline. Being a theoretical person, I thought by being on medication i will slowly and gradually be better. I was wrong. Haha. My story doesnt end here. Being on this medication on the other hand was hell on earth. During the first week of being on this pill, my body was still adjusting to it. I was in so much pain. I cant describe how does it even feels like. I became extremely suicidal. I dont wish that this will ever happen to anyone else. To have open up to my parents about my recent diagnosis is another stress that I had to endure. Because, stigma 🙂 They thought my depression is because of my studies. To be frank, no. I have a high tolerance towards stress. They decided to ask me to go for a short vacation, to clear my mind up. I did and well guess what? I’m still depressed.
Then after a month being on meds, my symptoms got worst. I was so suicidal that I struggled with self harming. Yes, I cut. But i’m still amazed with myself tho that i still can cope with my studies 😂 dont ask me what I did. One fine day..... I attempted suicide. I cut my wrist. and there I was, I got admitted to the psychiatric ward. Being in that ward 🙃 me no likey. in one day my blood got withdrawn for 8 times. idk for what but i was bruising all over 😪 its a hell of an experience. I broke down, like i never broke down before. I have supportive friends tho while I was being hospitalized. I’m forever thankful for that part. As soon as I got discharged, the psychiatrist decided to change my medication.
Being below 25 years old and being on medication, the risk for u to develop a heightened suicidal thoughts is high and there I was being on a new medication. No one or textbooks has ever told me that being on antidepressant is a trial and error process because recovering from depression is not a “one fits all” kind of approach, like a physical illness. Lets just say that you have a fever, just take paracetamol, within few days you’ll be alright. But thats not the case with mental illness. It takes months up to years to recover. If your symptoms got worst, you have to change your medication. Being on a new medication on the other hand 🙃 my self harming got worst. Well my “battle” scars are still there tho.
Let me enlighten you why people with depression in some cases, they chose to cut, its because, like me, i just want to escape my thoughts and the pain. Well it helped for a bit but once the pain from ur cut is gone, u’re back to square one. You’re probably thinking why didn’t i try doing something else. To be honest, I have and I really did. I tried going out alone (well that didnt work out very well for me), I occupied myself with alot of stuff, i went on a vacation, i hangout with people, I worked out, I ventured to new places and guess what? I am still with the illness. Also, dont ever bring up religion into this matter. Because depression doesnt have anything to do with your soul, its the mind that goes haywire due to some complications in the neurotransmitter or whatnot that requires medical support.
If you can handle yours, then its good for you. Would you tell someone with diabetes or someone who just broke their bone that they had it because they dont pray enough? obviously not. same goes to mental illness. On behalf of the sufferer, we didnt ask for it, it just happened. No matter how many times we tried to avoid it, it happened. You see, along the way me opening up about my illness, people’s reaction was like “cheer up, stay positive, be happy, dont be sad” deiiii. I smack ur head with a frying pan then u know. It doesnt work that way tooo. Its like u’re asking them to suppress their emotions even more when they are already struggling with their emotions. Dont be stupid lah weh. Why cant you for once be supportive and let them feel whatever they are feeling. it helps brah. Just you being there not to say anything or just reassure them, they’ll feel better. I l know because I felt the same.
During the period of me self harming, lol.... I’ve been judged alot by the people who never even experienced depression before or they do but they dont understand because depression is individualized beast. If I were to give my brain to them, i can assure u one thing, they’ll cry. I’ve been misunderstood, being called delusional (well u’re not wrong in some ways 😂 I had psychosis: delusional and dysfunctional thoughts on my first 4 months of severe relapse), an attention seeker, too dependent to people 🙂, faking my own illness, a liar and here’s the best part: being proud of my depression. It was hurtful tho as my emotions were highly reactive as well during this time to the point I really cannot function at all. Ignorant people at its best. Well I dont blame them for being the way they were because they cant see how I struggle in the inside and during that time I still don’t know how to verbalize my own thoughts and feelings.
Only up until I was a bit stable and when I educated myself even more on this issue, I was able to verbalize everything. I read alot of journals and learn through people’s stories who’s also going through the same. I did start talking to people about this issue tho. The more I open up, the more I realize actually alot of people are suffering from depression but they dont have the guts to open up due to the societal stigma. Due to my severe self harming behavior, my psychiatrist decided to change my medication to a newer one. This time, its a stronger antidepressant (which im currently consuming). Well I couldnt feel much difference in my mood tho to the point that im being put on a maximum dosage (im almost treatment resistant btw lol). As my sleeping problem got worst, I dont sleep like a normal human being, i depend on sleeping pills for me to fall asleep. I am prescribed with 2 different sleeping pills.
As of today, I am still battling with my illness. It’s a constant battle with my own thoughts but I have to stay strong for the people that I love and care so much. I don’t cut anymore but I’m still a bit suicidal. but I am way better than how I was before. I’ll be off from my medication as soon as I’m fully stabilized. Regardless with my illness, I chose not to let my illness define me. What I was with that illness was not me. Its my illness. Realistically speaking, as someone with mental illness, I am not like how the society would see me as i.e a retarded person with hallucinations. I have a biological and handpicked family, I am a budding professional photographer, a published researcher, a psychologist and most importantly, I am a mental health advocate. I’m lucky enough that I understand with what I am going through. What about the people who dont understand at all? I cant imagine what they had to go through man.
To whoever is suffering from any types of mental illness, you’re not alone in this. don’t ever feel bad for having it. You dont choose to have it, it just happened. Its a medical condition. It’s the same like people who are suffering from physical illness but in different form. To the general audience who does not have any kind of mental illness, “Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience” - Colossians 3:12. Be part of the solution. It’ll make a huge difference.
Lastly, to my best friend, I am very sorry that you had to witness that part of me and whatever I put you through as a result of that. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me.
To the people who was around during that point of time regardless with what had happened, thank you for helping me out and I am sorry for exhausting u people out.
Till next post (Idk what am gonna come up with),
Mizah R., MPsych (Child), B.A (Hons).
These are my meds (during this point of time)
"In the light of what I’ve been through for the past 8 months, it really takes everything in me to open up about this but I’ve suffered enough and i’m sick of living in a society that is still stigmatized on mental illness, so I really have to do something about this. Yes, those are my pills that I am currently consuming. Opening up is just my initial step. I really dont care if I am going to be judged after this. That shows how ignorant you are as a person. It’s about time to see life in different perspective. In case you dont know, depression is a mood disorder. Here’s my story:
As of this month, it marks my 10th month battling my relapse, my 8th month battling my severe relapse and my 6th month being on medication. Exactly 6 months ago I was diagnosed with depressive episode, borderline personality disorder (BPD) - its a symptom of depression with fear of abandonment and complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) - well Tbh, I went through years of emotional and mental abuse but i shall not open up about that. Its been a rough (and exhausting) journey y’alls. The later illnesses I just found out. Lol! but i’ve always known I am suffering from depression for more than a decade now but I don’t have the guts to get help due to the stigma surrounding it.
Tbh, I haven’t had been able to feel genuinely happy regardless what have I achieved up until I got closer to my best friend (everyone knows who 😂). She made me feel appreciated, realize of how worthy I am, she bloody shit proud of me as a person and many more lah. I really love her genuine reactions towards everything I achieved. It’s so heartwarming. Like how typically best friends are, we both share alot of common things together. However, she can get so palui tho, thats why shes my idiotic best friend. To cut it short, I was realllyyyyyy happy being with her to the point that when I was slowly relapsing (this tend to happen people if u have mental illness), I was really in denial with my own feelings and emotions. I suppressed it. I forced myself to be happy when I was really unable to feel happy. The more I suppress it, the worst I’ve gotten, w/o me realizing it.
As someone who came from the field of psychology (a master degree holder some more 🤦🏻♀️), I find it quite ironic that I dont even understand with what i’m going through, feeling or thinking. Everything is just so messed up. Even if u ask me what I was thinking, I dont know how to verbalize it. My thoughts are racing that I dont even know what I am thinking. Its like a static. From there I realized that, whatever the textbook had depicted on depression is just on the surface. It’s never going to be the same if you experience it in real life i.e like what happened to me. With the mixture of my BPD and my C-PTSD, I relapsed into a severe depression. and that one very person who had to witness that, was my best friend, as she was still living with me that time. I still feel bad tho about it that she had to see that part of me. With my severe relapse, I became suicidal.
Let me make u understand that, with depression you don’t control your thoughts. Your thoughts who controlled you no matter how hard you’ve tried to combat it. It’s a medical condition for a reason. Yes people depression is a medical condition. With mine, it has something to do with my brain chemicals and other factors. What really caused it, i dont know. Back to my story, yes I was suicidal but it didnt get to the point that I really want to kill myself. I just want to end the pain not my life. With depression, it also comes with physical pain as a result of unexpressed emotional pain. I remember after my severe relapse, I always woke up crying because I was in so much pain and again, my best friend had to witness that. Shit. Gotta appreciate her strength man facing me and still sticking around during that time.
With me also battling with the pain, knowing that I will wake up to the pain, I grew scared of sleeping because I didnt want to feel the pain. To me, if i dont sleep i dont have to feel the pain. I developed sleeping problem. Mind you, it’s also affecting my studies in so many ways but i was lucky enough that I have supportive lecturers and supportive best friend during that point of time. During this time as well, I had enough affecting my best friend with my condition, so I decided to seek therapy. I started psychotherapy a.k.a counselling. Well..... it didnt help me as much. I guess I was THAT severe. When my best friend had to go back to Ipoh for good as she was done with her degree, it was really hard for me to cope. to the point that my depression got worst and I have decided to go for diagnosis (with her support) because I really cant bear with it anymore. Sooner or later, I have to face it.
Then there I was being clinically diagnosed with depressive episode and being prescribed with antidepressant; sertraline. Being a theoretical person, I thought by being on medication i will slowly and gradually be better. I was wrong. Haha. My story doesnt end here. Being on this medication on the other hand was hell on earth. During the first week of being on this pill, my body was still adjusting to it. I was in so much pain. I cant describe how does it even feels like. I became extremely suicidal. I dont wish that this will ever happen to anyone else. To have open up to my parents about my recent diagnosis is another stress that I had to endure. Because, stigma 🙂 They thought my depression is because of my studies. To be frank, no. I have a high tolerance towards stress. They decided to ask me to go for a short vacation, to clear my mind up. I did and well guess what? I’m still depressed.
Then after a month being on meds, my symptoms got worst. I was so suicidal that I struggled with self harming. Yes, I cut. But i’m still amazed with myself tho that i still can cope with my studies 😂 dont ask me what I did. One fine day..... I attempted suicide. I cut my wrist. and there I was, I got admitted to the psychiatric ward. Being in that ward 🙃 me no likey. in one day my blood got withdrawn for 8 times. idk for what but i was bruising all over 😪 its a hell of an experience. I broke down, like i never broke down before. I have supportive friends tho while I was being hospitalized. I’m forever thankful for that part. As soon as I got discharged, the psychiatrist decided to change my medication.
Being below 25 years old and being on medication, the risk for u to develop a heightened suicidal thoughts is high and there I was being on a new medication. No one or textbooks has ever told me that being on antidepressant is a trial and error process because recovering from depression is not a “one fits all” kind of approach, like a physical illness. Lets just say that you have a fever, just take paracetamol, within few days you’ll be alright. But thats not the case with mental illness. It takes months up to years to recover. If your symptoms got worst, you have to change your medication. Being on a new medication on the other hand 🙃 my self harming got worst. Well my “battle” scars are still there tho.
Let me enlighten you why people with depression in some cases, they chose to cut, its because, like me, i just want to escape my thoughts and the pain. Well it helped for a bit but once the pain from ur cut is gone, u’re back to square one. You’re probably thinking why didn’t i try doing something else. To be honest, I have and I really did. I tried going out alone (well that didnt work out very well for me), I occupied myself with alot of stuff, i went on a vacation, i hangout with people, I worked out, I ventured to new places and guess what? I am still with the illness. Also, dont ever bring up religion into this matter. Because depression doesnt have anything to do with your soul, its the mind that goes haywire due to some complications in the neurotransmitter or whatnot that requires medical support.
If you can handle yours, then its good for you. Would you tell someone with diabetes or someone who just broke their bone that they had it because they dont pray enough? obviously not. same goes to mental illness. On behalf of the sufferer, we didnt ask for it, it just happened. No matter how many times we tried to avoid it, it happened. You see, along the way me opening up about my illness, people’s reaction was like “cheer up, stay positive, be happy, dont be sad” deiiii. I smack ur head with a frying pan then u know. It doesnt work that way tooo. Its like u’re asking them to suppress their emotions even more when they are already struggling with their emotions. Dont be stupid lah weh. Why cant you for once be supportive and let them feel whatever they are feeling. it helps brah. Just you being there not to say anything or just reassure them, they’ll feel better. I l know because I felt the same.
During the period of me self harming, lol.... I’ve been judged alot by the people who never even experienced depression before or they do but they dont understand because depression is individualized beast. If I were to give my brain to them, i can assure u one thing, they’ll cry. I’ve been misunderstood, being called delusional (well u’re not wrong in some ways 😂 I had psychosis: delusional and dysfunctional thoughts on my first 4 months of severe relapse), an attention seeker, too dependent to people 🙂, faking my own illness, a liar and here’s the best part: being proud of my depression. It was hurtful tho as my emotions were highly reactive as well during this time to the point I really cannot function at all. Ignorant people at its best. Well I dont blame them for being the way they were because they cant see how I struggle in the inside and during that time I still don’t know how to verbalize my own thoughts and feelings.
Only up until I was a bit stable and when I educated myself even more on this issue, I was able to verbalize everything. I read alot of journals and learn through people’s stories who’s also going through the same. I did start talking to people about this issue tho. The more I open up, the more I realize actually alot of people are suffering from depression but they dont have the guts to open up due to the societal stigma. Due to my severe self harming behavior, my psychiatrist decided to change my medication to a newer one. This time, its a stronger antidepressant (which im currently consuming). Well I couldnt feel much difference in my mood tho to the point that im being put on a maximum dosage (im almost treatment resistant btw lol). As my sleeping problem got worst, I dont sleep like a normal human being, i depend on sleeping pills for me to fall asleep. I am prescribed with 2 different sleeping pills.
As of today, I am still battling with my illness. It’s a constant battle with my own thoughts but I have to stay strong for the people that I love and care so much. I don’t cut anymore but I’m still a bit suicidal. but I am way better than how I was before. I’ll be off from my medication as soon as I’m fully stabilized. Regardless with my illness, I chose not to let my illness define me. What I was with that illness was not me. Its my illness. Realistically speaking, as someone with mental illness, I am not like how the society would see me as i.e a retarded person with hallucinations. I have a biological and handpicked family, I am a budding professional photographer, a published researcher, a psychologist and most importantly, I am a mental health advocate. I’m lucky enough that I understand with what I am going through. What about the people who dont understand at all? I cant imagine what they had to go through man.
To whoever is suffering from any types of mental illness, you’re not alone in this. don’t ever feel bad for having it. You dont choose to have it, it just happened. Its a medical condition. It’s the same like people who are suffering from physical illness but in different form. To the general audience who does not have any kind of mental illness, “Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience” - Colossians 3:12. Be part of the solution. It’ll make a huge difference.
Lastly, to my best friend, I am very sorry that you had to witness that part of me and whatever I put you through as a result of that. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me.
To the people who was around during that point of time regardless with what had happened, thank you for helping me out and I am sorry for exhausting u people out.
----------------------------
Guess what I did after posting this? I ran away from social media for quite sometime. But the support I received was overwhelming. I'm grateful I did it. lol. I need to be an advocate. I have to. But so far, I managed to help 10 people. I sent them off to counselling as a start. lul. As a psychologist myself I need help. I'm still human after all.
Till next post (Idk what am gonna come up with),
Mizah R., MPsych (Child), B.A (Hons).
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