It's 5:44 AM

Hi....... If you've stumbled upon this blog while it was still under "construction"...... well... I'm sorry to kept you waiting. I wasn't ready. 

Anyhow........ it's 5:44 AM (GMT +8) and I still couldn't sleep. I took my sleeping pill.... and yet.... here I am writing this post because I just can't sleeeeeeeeeeep. It's deeply frustrating tbh. p.s I don't sleep like a normal person. You'll find out why later.

Let me start off with my diagnosis... I first was diagnosed with major depressive episode last year on 5th September 2017.... Fyi, I knew I've been suffering from mental illness for the longest I could remember but I was too scared to reach out, even to my best friend. When I relapsed severely last year.......... after alot of considerations and a bit of kick from my best friend, I decided yaknow what,  since it's affecting the both of us and me in general.......... I went. I was diagnosed in Brunei. From there onwards, I started my journey being on medication. I first being put on sertraline. I swear to god....... my first week on it.... phewhhhhhhhhhhhhh. My body was in so much pain. I can't bear it. I became extremely suicidal. I shit you not it wasn't a pleasant feeling at all. No textbooks (me being a psychologist ironically some more) has ever told you that it's going to be this tough. It's way beyond what a textbook can define and explain what mental illness is. That one very person who was the most affected in this very first journey to recovery was my best friend. During that time, I couldn't understand why because I was unstable....... I really am still sorry Barbs :(

To cut it short... somewhere after a month being on sertaline..... guess where I was? Rushed into emergency because I self harmed and well..... suicidal as fuck. I was in so much pain that I couldn't comprehend anymore. I broke down in the psychiatric ward. I guess I've been bottling up way too much. I was grateful that my best friend and parents wasn't there to witness how I was in that ward. I don't have the heart to break their hearts anymore but I needed help. I was struggling. Mind you, during my struggle.... I was in the middle of my masters degree. How did I cope? I needed someone with me ALL the time. I'm not kidding. I wasn't trying to be dependent, but I was helpless and scared and I needed someone. Leaving me alone with my own thoughts, I tell you, it was a bad idea. Only god knows what can I do. So...... a group of psychiatrist who were working on me decided to change my medication, because being below 25 years old and on antipsychotic meds, will only heightened the risk of suicidality AND it's really a trial and error process to find a perfect dosage. I can't lie...... It gets really exhausting over time.

After my severe brokedown.... well my appointment with the psychiatrist was every 2 weeks, Still no changes with the new meds. so they increase the dosage till it reached the maximum. I shit you not..... It made me feel like shit and my self harming got even more worst. Then... somewhere along the line, they found new diagnosis, I am also apparently a Borderline Personality Disorder (fear of abandonment, which explains my clingyness to my best friend + depression) and C-PTSD (went through years of emotional and verbal abuse. Dont want to talk about it. let it be).

To cut it shorter...... Earlier this year... a week before my birthday to be exact.... They finally diagnosed me with bipolar II. I shit you not diagnosing mental illness is hard as brick. In my own point of view as a psychologist, DSM5 isnt much of a help because sometimes the symptoms overlaps with each other and sometimes it could be a combination of illnesses (like mine). How am I taking it? Well... at first I was mad and sad because of what I am, it cost me the person who I love the most, which also what motivates me to get better.

So right now..... I'm being treated with my bipolar II. The rest of my diagnosis, idk. I really dont know. Man...... mental health field needs to be improved alot or else people will suffer from misdignosis after misdiagnosis. Not to mention about the medication. fulamak akakkkkkkkkkk.... the trial and error process is really ticking me off. I get it and I understand that our brain contains millions of neurotransmitters, we're trying to figure out which one needs to be fixed. It's the most frustrating process. But like physical illness, I've accepted that, this is going to be my life for the rest of my lives. Without it, I can go cuckoo.

I'd like also to enlighten you that, people with mental illness isn't crazy. it's their brain that's broken and needs to be fixed. Don't expect them to just get over it just because you have a normal brain and it's easy for you to do it. If I were to lend my brain to someone..... I bet your ass they couldn't stand it and will question every single pieces of me on how can i bear it. Well beech....... I don't. Regarding my sleeping problem...... I grew scared of sleeping when I first severely relapsed last year because I didn't want to wake up to the emotional pain. It's SOOOOO PAINFUL YOU HAD NO IDEA. My best friend (god bless her soul) had to bear with that almost everyday ever since. I felt sorry for her but it wasn't my fault. I didn't ask to be this way. To be honest, between having a mental illness or physical illness, I'd rather you break my bones. My psychiatrists then decided to put me on sleeping pills because if I dont sleep....... I could die.

I think thats all lah. It's 6:21 AM. I think i'm getting sleepier now. lol. I'll talk more in the next post. the next post maybe I'll post my coming out story that i posed in my instagram way back March '18.

Adios.